


Everything i regret.

by Sashasanidea



Category: Youtube RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, Near Death Experiences, i dont know how to tag this, selfharm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5024239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashasanidea/pseuds/Sashasanidea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack has been traveling the world. Mark hasn't heard from him all that time until a package arrives at his doorstep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Reasons

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, i wrote this in a few days and this has very personal stuff in it. English still isn't my first language so so easy on me please.  
> I hope you enjoy it.

Mark was sitting in his windowsill and stared outside. Little snowflakes stuck to the world, it was so white and peaceful. He let out a little sigh and held his mug with tea. The weather outside was very pretty but he wasn’t really feeling it. Something just felt a bit off, it was too quiet and too pretty. Suddenly he got ripped out of this peaceful world by the rude sound of his doorbell. He got up and walked towards it slowly only to find the postman with a package. Mark signed for it and took it back to his windowsill, its dirty brown wrapping stood out against the white world and his baby blue wall. He unwrapped the string around it. He wondered who would have send him this. Inside the package he found a note and a pile enveloppes.  
He opened the folded note .  
_Hey mark,_  
_I just had to share everything so you may understand. I numbered them_.  
_-jack ___

Mark swallowed, he hadn't seen jack in over 6 months, he had send him a message about not coming back to college and going to see the world. Mark had felt a bit hurt because it was all unexpected, jack seemed to enjoy his studies. He picked up the envelope with a bit number 1 on it. It felt weird in his hands, he was so used to emailing that he almost never sent letters anymore. After a deep breath he sat down on a cushion with his back against the wall and opened the envelop. 

_Number 1 12-11-2015_

_I almost died once. I never really thought about being dead before. I didn’t see my life flash in front of my eyes. It was horrible and messy and crowded. It was dark and horrible. The screams of the people around me still haunt my dreams sometimes.  
I should explain what happened i guess. I was waiting in line at a festival to get into a stage. The gates were still closed but i waited patiently. The people behind me weren’t really agreeing with the fact that we had to wait and started pushing. I remember being pushed against a fence, people around me screaming for them to stop. I thought about how if i died right there that it would be over soon, i felt okay with that feeling. I also thought that if the crowd would only do the frontstep back step we would be okay. Unfortunately for me the crowd went right and i missed a step. I felt to the ground and felt people fall on me. Others stood on me and the air was knocked out of me. Suddenly i decided i didn’t want my mum to find out i died at a festival. I clawed myself upright and i went on with my life._

Mark swallowed, he never heard about this story even though he knew jack for years now. His hands were shaking a bit, “o jack.” at least he didn't seem to have problems with it later. Mark looked at the rest of the package and thought about reading them all at once or if he just take it easy. His curiosity took over and he searched for the envelope with the number two on it. He turned it over in his hand and gently ripped it open. He took a deep breath and opened the letter that was in is.

 

_Number 2 21-11-2015_  
_I thought i survived my almost death experience, and for a month all was fine. Until i stepped in a full train. Suddenly my heart raced, i couldn’t breath like something was sitting on my chest. My eyes started to water but i couldn’t even get enough breath to sob. I felt like i was dieing all over again and i never wanted to feel like that again. So i hid for a while, i didn’t go to stressful situations again because i didn’t want to trigger anything. I don’t like writing it but thinking about it all makes me cry now. I don’t think i can write anymore._

Mark swallowed, he remembered this. He knew about a time when his friend didn’t want to go anywhere, telling him he was just stressed out about his work and school. Nothing to be worried about. It was a time before college, before they lived on campus. A time when Mark would go visit his friend often and find him in bed playing video games but he always thought it was just how he lived, they were teens back then. He shook his head, they were not teens back then, they were 20 years old and wasting their lives. He felt stupid for thinking that Jack was okay after letter 1. He was hesitating a bit to open a new one but did it anyway. A bunch of little papers fell out.

_Number 3_  
_I feel so alone_  
_I never feel warm anymore_  
_why is the world so grey_  
_why am i still here_  
_the walls are closing in on me._  
_help me_

Mark couldn't even think straight now, there was no date on it, he was freaking out and wanted to contact his friend. But he knew he couldn't, jack was travelling the world. Mark swallowed and felt how dry his mouth was, “i need a drink.” He walked to his small kitchen and put on his kettle. He never drunk tea before meeting that silly irishboy down the street. Now he couldn't stop drinking it, it calmed him down. He sat back on his windowsill with a fresh cup in his hand. His heart couldn't take it anymore if he had to read more bad news but he already knew that was what was going to happen. He just opened the one with number four on it and waited for a divine sign from god that he shouldn't read it.

_Number 4 8-12-2015_  
_I started cutting when i was really young, i believe i was 14 or 15. In retrospect it seemed all very petty why i did it. Now i have my real struggles, well it is odd because the struggles then were very real. People picked on me because i was just different than the rest. I wanted to think of myself as stronger than the need. Because that was what it was, a need. The physical pain distracted me from how i felt. I would lie shaking and bleeding in my bed pretending everything was going to be okay. I never told anybody about it before. I had several relapses when i thought i was strong enough to withstand it, but i just did it and felt good for 5 minutes. I would see the blood and the scabs after and then i felt like shit again, because i wasn’t stronger than the need. I wanted to be a rock for everybody, be strong and help them but i couldn't even help myself._

Mark cried, he cried like a baby and didn't feel ashamed about it. He read how his best friend hurt himself to feel okay. He wondered if he could have helped him. Without hesitation he ripped open number 5. He hoped for good things, but knew they wouldn't come.

_Number 5 16-12-2015_  
_I fell in love once. Really in love. But i was scared for the massive emotions i felt. She didn’t understand why i was so scared. We were slowly dating, it was a pace i was comfortable with. Sunday she went to a concert and met a dude. Wednesday they had a relationship and she was plastering twitter with the words “i haven’t had a real smile on my face in months.” I was so pissed and hurt because she made me feel like an idiot. She blamed me, saying that i didnt want to date her anymore.I felt like shit after that, i never wanted to fall in love ever again._

Mark hadn't known jack at the time so he thought it was about a girl back in Ireland. He knew jack was distant about dating and everything but he didn't know it was caused by heartbreak, he thought it just never really interested Jack. Mark always thought it was a pity because jack was such a lovely guy. After this one he just stared out of the window for a long time and let his tea go cold. It was getting cold in his room so he wrapped a blanket around himself. He thought about the nights they played video games and watched movies. It had al been so easy when they were on campus, just playing the nights away. He held the next letter and opened it while nervously chewing his lip.


	2. More reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some envelopes left in the box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is still very personal to me but i hope you guys enjoy it.

_Number 6 2-01-2016_  
_I fell in love twice, this time it was a guy. I never really thought about my sexuality, i never needed to, i almost never had feelings for anybody other than friendship. But we clicked, we stayed up all night to text each other. I lied to him about having a summer job so i couldn’t really date, but for our first date i told him i had between 4pm and 7pm to come and sit in the park with him. We were both so nervous and he brought my favorite drink. We talked about everything and time flew by. He took me back to the trainstation and we kissed, it felt so magical. I stayed over at his place a couple times and we ended up in a relationship. I felt so great and every time i talked about him with somebody i had a silly grin on my face. Suddenly i got a very long text with a list of my flaws, all the things that we were different in. It went from the use of whatsapp to liking different movies and then the last point was about how i stayed over for several times and we hadn’t had sex yet. I was so angry and sad about it. The greatest guy i met was just acting like a typical nice guy. I got to sleep in his bed so i had to give him sex. I don't know if that were his intentions but it felt that way. I was scared to have sex immediately because i never did anything with a guy. The text just gave me a bitter aftertaste and i could never think about him in a happy way anymore. I felt even worst about love after it. i fell in a black hole where i couldn't get out._

Mark just stared at the letter, Jack had kept all of that in. He just told mark that the guy dumped him in a text but never discussed the exact words. He felt angry too and wanted to find the guy and punch his teeth out. Normally he wasn't really violent but jack was already so insecure about love and for a guy he really liked to just treat him like that. Mark wished jack had told him this early, he could have helped him. He would never forget that cute shit eating grin when Jack talked about him. Jack was so happy when he was with him and he felt sorry that it all had ended like this. “o jack if you just had said something about it.”  
He saw the pile was dwindled to just a few envelops. Mark picked up the one with a small seven on it, it was written in a shaky handwriting.

_Number 7 4-01-2015_  
_I think i fell in love after that and that is partially the reason i ran. When i looked in his eyes i could see a future, a bright one. A future i did not deserve, i felt too broken to deserve a thing like that. In his voice i heard the most precious melodies, melodies i wasn’t supposed to hear which were not meant for me. I never felt like this before, but i don't deserve it. I almost couldn't contain myself. I never thought about loving a guy again, but well also never about loving anybody again. Without knowing he pulled me out of my black hole, but put me into a new one. A very different one, a light one if that makes sense, one with pretty lights and sweet scents, even sweeter sounds. But i only felt despair. I am not made for this, i feel too broken for this all. I am too broken for love and i will never be fixable. But maybe i don't want to be fixed, i want to dwell in my misery so i can't get hurt again after trying to open up. I know he wouldn't do that to me but i'm scared. So i ran._

Mark wondered who this new guy was, jack had a lot of friends in college and a lot of them were cool guys. He was sad though that jack was scared to love, his previous relationships had ruined him in a way, it was sad to read how scared he was and how undeserving of love he thought himself to be. He had always liked Jack, he was just charismatic and all around lovely. Mark didn't want to see jack hurting, just wanted him to be happy.  
He looked at the last two envelops, a scarlet 8 was written on a very thin one. He opened it and was just so scared.

_Number 8 05-01-2015_  
_Number 7 is about you mark._

It didn't say anything else and he held his breath, he searched the package and everything for an address, a telephone number or anything else. When he couldn't find it he sat back and wept softly. He was so sad that Jack thought he didn't deserve him, Jack was too good for him he always thought. That was always the excuse Mark told himself. He would do nothing because Jack was a 10 and that wasn't something he got to have in his life. He thought of himself as lucky because Jack wanted to be his friend.

He looked at the last envelop, it was the biggest of them all. Mark looked at it and lay it down on his lap, he couldn't handle anymore sadness, he wanted to cry but couldn't anymore. He looked outside where twilight had set in, big fluffy clouds were coloured orange, it would snow again tonight. He slowly opened the last envelop and saw it was filled with postcards. He took them out and looked at the pile. The first one was from new york, on the back Jack had scribbled a little text.  
_“Dear mark, i i am so sorry i ran away. I just couldn't take it anymore.”_

The next was a postcard from london, it was timestamped just a few days after ny.  
_“dear mark, i think i'm going insane.”_

It were several cards from all around europe written over a period of 4 months. After that the cards were coming from Asia.  
They all said things about how he was sorry he left like that, some had short stories about things he had done and people he met. They all started with dear Mark. The last card was from new zealand, the picture was a beautiful view of green hills, on the back was a small polaroid of jack in a flock of sheep,  
_“i feel better now, i think i'm coming home.”_

It was timestamped a week ago, maybe he was already home. Mark stopped going to his room because nobody was ever there even though he hoped Jack would return.  
He got up and put on his shoes and coat, he ran outside to the building Jack was living in, the snow and ice weren't going to stop him.  
Slightly panting he got to the 4th floor and stood in front of the door. Slowly he knocked on the door, nothing happened. But he knocked again and held his breath. “please Jack please be home.” he almost begged. After deafening silence he decided to give. He walked away from the door and back to his own building. Suddenly the snow that covered the world was holding him back, every step seemed to be harder to make. He sighed, maybe Jack wasn’t home yet. When he reached his room it was dark outside. Out of frustration he threw his mug against the wall, “AARGH.” His emotions felt all scrambled.

He was already in bed when there was a knock on the door. Mark got up out of bed and opened it. A bit tired but mostly because he wasn't wearing his glasses he didn't see who was at the door. “mark, can i come in?” his eyes widened when he heard the softly spoken words, the irish accent he would recognize everywhere. Mark stepped backwards so the man across from him could get inside. They both sat down on his windowsill. “Im sorry i ran away.” Jack’s eyes were teary, “i just couldn’t handle it anymore.” A single tear rolled down his cheek, Mark was quick to wipe it away with his thumb, “Don't cry, please don’t. You did what you had to do to keep yourself sane.” “Why do you forgive me so easily?” Jack looked him in the eye, it was true Mark always was easy to forgive Jack. “Because that is what i do when i love people.” jack looked up when he said that, “you...love me?” His voice was full of disbelieve, “but what.” Mark snickered at the sight of Jack's confusion. He cupped the other man's cheek and pressed their lips together for a few short seconds. Jack leaned into the kiss with his hands lost in his lap.

They were both staring outside, mark had his arms wrapped around the man between his legs. “i always thought i was lucky enough i could call you my friend, i never thought i deserved you as a love.” Mark bit on his lip and rested his chin on jack's head. “well i thought that too.” jack made figure eights on mark's leg, “i see now that we are perfect for eachother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always okay to leave ^^


End file.
